The Camping Episode
by woodybuzzmiles
Summary: Based off a classic SpongeBob episode. Eric Cartman, Butters Stotch, and Kyle Broflovski all go on a camping trip in Kyle's front yard, but things turn drastic when a hideous but ferocious beast terrorizes the boys when Kyle puts them in danger


It's nighttime in the town of South Park, Colorado. Inside his house, Kyle Broflovski, a redheaded young Jewish boy, just came out of the bathroom, still in his green winter hat. He is in his Terrance and Phillip pajamas, and carrying a book and a cup of cocoa.

"Ah, finally, the weekend is here." Kyle said, putting down his cup on a nearby nightstand in his bedroom. He walked over to his calendar, and pointed to a date in the month of May. "And this isn't just any old ordinary weekend." The calendar box shows a picture of Cartman and Butters sitting by a campfire. If this is any indication, it meant Cartman and Butters are going camping. "This is the weekend that fat-ass, Cartman, and Butters go camping. Wouldn't it be great if they got lost in the woods and never came back?"

 _Kyle imagined Eric Cartman and Butters Stotch, who are wearing backpacks, walking through the woods of Colorado. They both look afraid by the creepy sound of owls hooting and other scary stuff lurking upon them. Even the dark of nightfall made things even scarier than before. Butters studies a map with a fearful face while Cartman whimpered, "Butters, I'm scared."_

The thought bubble disappeared, and Kyle's smile never left his face. "Oh-ho, that would be great!" Kyle wiped a tear of joy. The young Jewish boy is overjoyed to be free from the anoying antics of Cartman. Kyle got into his bed, and proceeded to relaxation. making sure he felt comfortable, he said to himself, "You've waited a long time for this: a soft bed, warm cocoa, a good book, and two whole days with no…"-he does his best impersonation of Cartman—"Myaaaah, myaaaah, myaaaah!" Kyle goes to read his book, until he hears two sniggers from outside. That made Kyle's eyes widen. "What the hell?"

Eric Cartman and Butters Stotch were inside a tent, with a lantern hanging above. They're in their sleeping bags, reading comics and shining a flashlight on it. Cartman must've set up camp on his front lawn, near inches from Kyle's house. Sure, they are camping, but that was not how Kyle planned his weekend at all. Kyle interrupted the playful moment by sticking his head in the tent.

"Cartman, aren't you two supposed to be camping?" Kyle asked, still in his pajamas.

Cartman and Butters go over to Kyle, with Cartman saying, "We are camping."

"Fat-ass, it's not camping if you're ten feet from your house." Kyle said in annoyance. It turns out that they were in Kyle's front yard, and the tent is between Cartman's house, along with a campfire.

"Oh, it doesn't matter where you are, as long as you're outdoors. While all those soft city folk are safe in their beds reading books, we're out here pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of nature." Upon hearing the statement, Kyle looks shocked. "You wanna join us?"

"No." Kyle said bluntly.

"OK, have fun inside." Kyle left the tent to come back inside his home, and the two boys went back to reading comics with a flashlight. Kyle stuck his head in the tent again.

"What do you mean ' _have fun inside_ '?" Kyle asked suspiciously.

"Just…have fun inside." Cartman shrugged innocently. see you tomorrow."

"Oh. Bye." Kyle leaves the tent again, and the two boys resume their reading, until Kyle went back in the tent again. "You little sneak! I see what you're doing!"

"What?" Cartman asked, confused.

"Don't think I can't see what you're doing!"

"What?"

"You're saying I can't take it!" Kyle said, jabbing Cartman's chest with his finger.

"But all I-"

Kyle lifted up a quieting hand to stop Cartman from going any further. "Ah! You're saying I'm freaking soft! You think your little..'have fun inside' challenge is gonna make me come camping with you!" As Kyle spoke, he made air quotations with his fingers. "But that is NEVER gonna happen! There's no way I'm going to stay out here all night with you two losers! So get used to it!" Kyle leaves the tent to return to his house.

"OK. Have fun inside!"

Kyle, having heard those three words, couldn't make Kyle resist more. He returned to the tent and yelled, "THAT'S IT! I'M IN!" Kyle ran inside his house, and said, "I'll show you camping!"

"That Jew's gonna come camping with us!" Cartman giggled excitedly. He and Butters stand up from the tent, laughing gleefully. Kyle returned, wearing his orange jacket with a green collar, midnight green trousers, and black loafers. He carries a giant backpack.

"Now you'll see how a real..." The backpack's heavy weight makes Kyle fall facefirst into the grass. He crawls out from underneath it. "...outdoorsman does it!" He unzips the bag, rummages through the backpack, and pulls out a small zipped-up pouch. "Here we are; the Broflovski Remote-Controlled Self-Assembling Tent. Watch and learn."

Cartman gets out a set of binoculars and Butters puts on glasses and takes out a notepad with a pencil. Kyle tosses the pouch, containing the so-called 'tent' in the air, presses a button on a remote control, only to cause a small explosion to pour the contents onto the ground. By the look on Kyle's face, it turns out that the self-assembly of the tent would make the tent unfold in seconds flat and build itself up, but it backfired.

"That was great, Kyle." Cartman grinned, not knowing that the tent parts lay scattered. He raised an eyebrow, "But how do you get inside?"

"Yeah, it's all crushy-looking." Butters chimed in.

"It isn't put up yet, you idiots." Kyle grumbled. He fiddles with the tent's lining, but accidentally makes a rip in the fabric.

"Customization!"

"Genius!"

Kyle then pounds on the contents with a tent pole repeatedly.

"He's tenderizing the ground!" Cartman alarmed.

"Of course!" Butters said while taking notes.

Kyle still struggles with the tent as his body becomes tangled up in the contents.

"Write that down, write that down!"

It turns out Butters was frantically playing Tic-tac-toe to himself. Frustrated, Kyle kicks the tent into the air. The assembly of the tent went perfect from the force of the kick. "Huh?" he asked, confused. The tent landed softly on the ground. "Voila!" he presented. The tent collapses instantly. Kyle rolls the pieces away in embarrassment. Kyle returned and laid out a single sheet on the grass. "But what could compare to just lying out under the stars?"

Cartman and Butters applauded for Kyle, feeling impressed for Kyle's progress. 'Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors." Kyle replied. " Time for a little grub." I suppose you two are going to stew up some twigs and rocks, right?"

Cartman chuckled, and said, "Nope, we've got something even better: marshmallows." Cartman got out a bag of marshmallows and popped one in his mouth, chewing it with gusto. "Mmm-mmm, just like the astronauts eat.' Cartman said, strands of chewed marshmallow sticking the inside of his mouth.

Butters has a glass fishbowl over his head, pretending that he was an astronaut. He cupped his hand around his mouth and made a static noise, imitating a microphone.

"Kcch. Butters to Cartman. Butters to Cartman. Do you read me? Over."

Cartman, still holding the marshmallows, has a fishbowl helmet over his head to do the exact same thing.

"Kcch. Cartman to Butters. I read you. Over." Cartman said.

"Kcch. Butters to Cartman. I like going kcch. Over."

"Kcch. Cartman to Butters. Kcch. Me too."

The two boys imitate static back and forth for a bit while Kyle stares vacantly at them. "Cartman to Butters. Help yourself. Over." Cartman held out the marshmallow bag to his friend.

Butters took a marshmallow, "Yummy!" Butters crams the marshmallow in his mouth, his hand smashing through the helmet. The white residue of marshmallow stuck to his lips, and the strands of the chewed marshmallow also stick to the roof of his mouth. "Butters to Cartman! The deliciousness has landed!"

"Well, you two astronauts can have marshmallows." Kyle smugly replied. He took out a tin can of meatballs from his pocket. "I'm going to have a can of Italian Meatballs, just as soon I can get a can opener." Kyle proceeds to his house to retrieve a can opener from his kitchen, until Cartman called him, causing Kyle to stop in his tracks.

"But Kyle, didn't you take a can opener when you hiked out here?" Cartman asked.

"Why would I bother? We're ten from my house." Kyle gestured to his home behind him.

"But this is the wilderness. It just doesn't seem to fit the camping spirit." Cartman added.

"Pretty weenie." Butters said blankly.

"All right, all right. Give me a marshmallow." Kyle took the bag, thus sitting down. Kyle skewered a marshmallow on a stick to roast it. He and Cartman were doing it correctly. Butters sets his marshmallow directly into the flame. Butters panicked and blew the flame out, sending marshmallow splattering all over Kyle's face. Kyle wipes it off, then resumes his roasting. Butters skewers another marshmallow on his stick, and tries again, but sets the marshmallow on fire again. He frantically blows the flame away again, sending another splatter of marshmallow on Kyle's face. Growing frustrated, Kyle wipes off the residue. Butters has another marshmallow ignite on fire, and blew it away, but Kyle ducked his head. Kyle laughed triumphantly, but the marshmallow splatters the back of his head.

"OK, besides spitting molten foodstuffs at me, what else do you do for fun?" Kyle asked suspiciously.

"Well, Kyle, after a long day of camping..." Cartman explained. "...it's nice to unwind with a nice relaxing campfire song." Pulling out an acoustic guitar, he begins to strum an opening tune. "I call this one _The Campfire Song Song."_

 ** _Cartman: Let's gather around the campfire  
And sing our campfire song  
Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G Song_**

Butters begins to rock to the tune, and he makes Kyle join in by tilting his head, much to Kyle's annoyance.

 ** _Cartman: And if you don't think that you can sing it  
Faster than you're wrong  
But it'll help if  
You just sing along_**

Butters comes up behind Kyle to make him join the tune.

 ** _Butters: Bum-bum-bum._**

The song begins to go faster, and Butters tries to sing it as fast as he could. No matter how hard he tried, Cartman just sings too speedily.

 ** _Cartman: C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G Song!  
C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G Song!  
And if you don't think we can sing it  
Faster than you're wrong  
But it'll help if  
_** ** _You just sing along!_**

Cartman has on a mortarboard, and instructed the lyrics by pointing to the lyrics on an easel with a teacher's pointer stick.

 ** _Cartman: C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G Song!  
Butters!_**

 ** _Butters: SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E…._**

Cartman goes over to Kyle and awaited, 'Kyle!" Kyle just sat there in silence, with the same annoyed face. 'Good!"

The scene is now like a rock concert as the song reached its conclusion, with Cartman standing on giant platforms. As for Butters, he plays a drum set as Cartman sings the final verses of the song.

 ** _Cartman: It'll help  
It'll help  
If you just sing aloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong_**

Cartman jumped off his plaform, and slid his knees across the ground, where he smashed his guitar repeatedly. Butters did the same thing, by smashing the drums over Cartman's head, in which Cartman's upper body burst through.

 ** _Cartman: OH YEAH!_**

As soon as the song is done, Cartman and Kyle went back to sitting with Kyle. "Ahh, now wasn't that relaxing?"

"No!" Kyle interjected. Pulling out a clarinet, he said, "This is relaxing." Kyle begins to play _Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore_.

"Oh, no!" Cartman cried. He quickly took a marshmallow from the bag, and pulled it back on a slingshot. "I'll save you Kyle!" Cartman released the marshmallow, causing it to fly through the clarinet, and into Kyle's throat, thus cutting off the music. Kyle fell on his back, and Cartman rushed over to him, tossing the clarinet away. "Kyle, are you all right? That's it, chew, chew. Then swallow." Kyle swallowed his marshmallow, with Cartman saying, "There, better?"

" **BETTER?!** " Kyle yelled in Cartman's face. " **I WAS JUST FINE UNTIL YOU LAUNCHED THAT FLIPPING BALLISTIC JUNK FOOD INTO MY WINDPIPE!** "

"But I had to! It's too dangerous to play the clarinet badly out here in the wilderness. It might attract…." Cartman whispered into Kyle's ear, '….a manbearpig."

"A manbearpig?" Kyle asked. "You mean the ones that DON'T EXIST?!"

"What are you saying?" Cartman asked.

Kyle stood up from the ground, and interjected, 'There's no such thing. They're just a myth!"

"Oh, no, Kyle, manbearpigs are all too real. It says so in the _South Park Inquirer_!" To make his point, Cartman held up a tabaloid newspaper, with the headline depicting a hybrid animal and a woman dressed in a white wedding gown.

Kyle studies the headline and asked incredulously, "' _I Married a Manbearpig_ '?"

"Yeah, and _Fake Science Monthly_!" Butters held up a different newspaper, depicting the same chimera, but this one has a scintillating white unicorn beside it.

Kyle studies the headline, "' _Manbearpigs and Fairy Tales are Real_ '?" To Kyle, those newspaper headlines look completely absurd and ridiculous. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of!"

"Well maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb!" Butters insisted.

"Butters is right, Kyle." Cartman said. "Manbearpigs are no laughing matter. Why, once I knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's cousin…"

Kyle changed his face from a blank expression to a concerned face. He knew that he has to take the warning seriously. "You're right! I should be more careful. In fact, why don't you tell me all of the things I shouldn't do if I want to keep the manbearpigs away?"

"Ok, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet."

"Okay. Then what?"

"Never wave your flashlight back and forth really fast." Cartman warned.

"Flashlights are their natural prey." Butters clarified.

"You're kidding." Kyle gasped.

"Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge."

"Yeah." Butters nodded

"Go on." Kyle took out a notebook and pencil. He began to jot down the rules as fast as he could..

"Don't ever eat cheese." Cartman went on.

"Sliced or cubed?" Kyle asked.

Cartman and Butters whisper quietly to each other, until they made a choice of how cheese could be eaten.

"Cubed. Sliced is fine." Cartman clarified

"Yeah, yeah, and…?"

"Never wear a sombrero..." Cartman began.

"In a goofy fashion!" Butters finished.

"Or clown shoes."

"Or a hoop skirt."

"And never…"

"Ever…"

"EVER…"

"Duh!"

" **SCREECH LIKE A CHIMPANZEE!** " Cartman and Butters both waved their arms in the air, indicating that they are already growing frantic.

Wow! That's amazing how many things can set a manbearpig off."

Cartman and Butters hold each other in terror. "They're horrible!"

"And… and suddenly I have the sense we're all in danger!" Kyle quivered.

"Why?" the boys asked, both with tears in their eyes, still fearful.

"I don't know.." Kyle ran off and returns with a flashlight in his hand. Kyle has red clown shoes on his feet, a pink frilly hoop skirt around his waist, a sombrero on his head, and a tray full of cubed cheese in the other hand.. He has diabolical look is on his face _._ "Just a feeling!"

"No." Cartman and Butters are already overwhelmed with pure horror.

"Yes."

"No!"

Kyle began to make hooting noises, like a chimp would do. Cartman and Kyle are already growing even more scared, and the manbearpig could be on its way to terrorize the camp. " **KYLE, PLEASE DON'T!** " begged Cartman and Butters

Kyle switched on the flashlight, acontinues to make chimp noises, while stomping his feet on the ground.

"Eric, what are we gonna do? A manbearpig's sure to come and eat us!"

"Don't worry, Butters. I'll draw us an anti-manbearpig circle in the dirt." Cartman took a stick and drew a circle surrounding himself and Butters.

"Good thinking! All the experts say it's the only defense against a manbearpig attack."

To prove his point, he took out another _Fake Science Monthly_ newspaper, the headline depicting a human in a circle, with the manbearpig being held off by it. Its headline said, ' _How To Stop a Manbearpig!_ ' Butters put away the newspaper, and began to cower with Cartman, whilst embracing each other in fear. Kyle stops screeching and laughs.

"You guys are so gullible! See? I did everything that attracts an manbearpig and nothing happened! If manbearpigs really exist, why didn't one show up?"

"Maybe it's because you're not wearing your sombrero in a goofy fashion." Cartman gestured to the sombrero on his head.

"Oh, pfft, sorry! How silly of me! You mean like this?" Kyle tilts his sombrero to the right side of his head, then laughs. As he is laughing, a mysterious hand turns the sombrero upside-down. Kyle was too busy laughing that he didn't notice the beast Cartman and Butters were talking about.

It was a hulking chimera who's face is that of a pig on one side and that of a bear on the other. His body is partly covered in hair and has some human features on his torso. He has human-like legs and pig-like feet. It's the manbearpig that Kyle attracted. "No, like that." Cartman whimpered.

The manbearpig growled, making Kyle stop laughing. Kyle screams in fright, and the manbearpig let out a roar so loud, it shook the ground. Kyle ran off screaming, but the manbearpig was so fast, that he pursued him. Cartman and Butters stay in the circle, holding each other while the manbearpig began to beat up Kyle, with Kyle shouting in agony. After he was done, the creature left the camp.

"Kyle, are you OK?" Cartman asked.

Kyle is left lying on the ground, with bruises covering his body, his clothes torn, a black eye, and his legs wrapped up in bandages. "No."

Trying to keep their battered friend safe, Cartman and Butters carry the circle, and drop it next to Kyle. Comically, they lifted it up from the sand and dropped it down perfectly. "Quick! Jump inside our anti-manbearpig circle before he comes back!"

"Yeah, manbearpigs often attack more than once." Butters replied.

Kyle weakly pulls himself up, got up on his feet, and looked at them like they've gone mad. "Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster! I'm running for my life!" Kyle ran off again, much to Cartman and Butters' horror.

"No!"

The manbearpig returned and went back to beating up Kyle, who yelled in agony. Cartman and Butters stayed in their circle as the manbearpig left the boys.

'Don't run! Manbearpigs hate that!"

Kyle is left in even more gruesome pain. His right arm is completely wrapped in bandages, his green ushanka is mangled, his jacket was even more torn, another black eye has sustained, his left leg is crippled, his stomach is in knots, more bruises have formed and a lump formed on his head. "Thanks for the tip." Kyle groaned. He feebly stood up and said miserably, "I guess I'll just limp home, then." The injured Kyle began to hobble toward his house, leaving the boys scared of what will happen next.

" **NO!** " Cartman and Butters yelled. The manbearpig returned and mauled Kyle, with Kyle screaming in agony. The manbearpig left the scene after he finished.

"They hate limping more than running!" Cartman called after Kyle.

"Well, I guess I'll just have…." Kyle groaned, before the manbearpig went back to mauling Kyle, with him crying out in agony. The manbearpig left the camp.

"I should've warned you about crawling!" Without any warning, the manbearpig went back to mauling Kyle.

"What'd I do that time?" Kyle complained.

"I don't know! I guess he just doesn't like you!" Cartman called out to Kyle

"Pretend to be somebody else!" Butters called out.

"Here, draw a circle." Cartman called, tossing a stick to Kyle

"OK!"

The manbearpig went back to mauling Kyle one last time, with the poor boy shrieking in pain. The manbearpig left the scene yet again.

"That was an oval! It has to be a circle!" Cartman said.

Having enough pain and mauling, Kyle went over to the anti-manbearpig circle to join Cartman and Butters. " **MOVE OVER!** " Kyle yelled.

The manbearpig loomed over Kyle, who quivered with fear. The beast looked surprised to see that the boy who angered it was inside a dirt circle. The manbearpig knew that the circle is holding it off. It growled in anger, and he pointed a menacing claw in Kyle's face, as it were saying that he got lucky. With nothing more to do, he stalked away into the wilderness. The terrorization has finally ended, and Kyle smiled with gratefulness. "Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life!"

All three boys cheered, "Hooray!" for their defense, and they can go back to camping.

"Yeah, I'm glad it was just a manbearpig. This circle would never hold back a Scuzzle-butt."

"What attracts them?" Kyle asked in confusion.

"The sound of a manbearpig attack." Butters added.

Standing before them is a large brown creature with Patrick Duffy as a leg and a celery stick for an arm. He has dark brown hair and a dark brown beard. "Heh, good thing were all wearing our anti-Skuzzlebutt undergarments, right Kyle?"

"Huh?" Kyle asked nervously. He had been in for a long night.


End file.
